As the last topic was heavy, this month bring out your Christmas and New Year jokes.

It would be great if they can be balloon related for twisting, but any winter wit would be welcome!

Danny    

To start the month of hilarity off....

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-"deer"!

How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!

And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

How do you describe a rich elf?
Welfy

How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!

If there were 11 elves, and another one came along, what would he be?
The twelf

What do angry mice send each other?
Cross-mouse cards!

What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Did you think of those yourself? Or did you find them on the internet?

Sorry, I have no jokes,.....I'm just not funny.
And it's hard to translate jokes, the "word"jokes aren't funny anymore then.

But if I will think of one by mistake I'll post it here.

Petra

Hi Petra,

thanks for replying to this months discussion!

I found them on the internet.


 

How does an elf get bigger?





Eats elf raising flower !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Where does Santa find new helpers?





The National Elf service !!!!!!!!!!!!




yes I can hear you groan but i've had a go  

what's the difference between a snowman and snow-women        snowballs

What nickname does Frosty's friends call him in July?


PUDDLES

just saw this...


Santa Annual State of the Pole Address:
To: All Elves, Employees, and Sleigh personnel:
From: Santa Claus, CEO

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons
greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

Santa, CEO

Danny - your post reminded me of the Christmas card I got from my lawyer last week --

Dear Neil & family

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my wish for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, non-addictive, low stress, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, as well as the secular practices of your choice, but with full respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

And further, please accept my wish for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wisher,  wishee or their third party beneficiaries.

These wishes are limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of approximately one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

Use of the term "holiday" herein is not intended to, nor shall it be considered to be, limited to Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, nor to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community group, individual or belief (or lack thereof). In particular, the word "holiday" is used herein without reference to its etymology.

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable ab initio at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that there is no alteration to the original greeting text. Any transfer is to be at the risk of the transferor who, by making such transfer, thereby agrees to hold the wishee harmless from any and all adverse consequences resulting from such transfer.

This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually take any action or fail to take any action to implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same.

Sue, Grabbit & Run
"Here to help...for a price"

 

What is an elfs favourite type of music..................................wrap  :lol:

These jokes are really good, so good in fact they Sleigh me

Apparently, Rudolph and the reindeer have asked Santa for a Pony Sleigh Station 3. (sorry!)  

:roll:

--Neil

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods???






Santa stops after 3 ho's.....

How does Santa like his pizza?






Deep and crisp and even  


Badoom tssshhhh