Author Topic: ALL PUNS INTENDED....  (Read 6061 times)

Dillingerentertains

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ALL PUNS INTENDED....
« on: May 14, 2009, 04:26:24 PM »
ALL PUNS INTENDED....

not exactly balloon jokes some can be adapted and most can be related to things your making & doing
I would love to know the ones you can use & how


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.
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Graham Lee

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Re: ALL PUNS INTENDED....
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2009, 05:27:21 PM »
well they made me groan  :D
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Natalie

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Re: ALL PUNS INTENDED....
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2009, 05:47:33 PM »
Well, I'll deffo use them on my husband. Dyslexic man walks into a bra is my favourite.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog". The psychiatrist says "That's very serious, lie on the couch and tell me all about it,". The man replies "I'm not allowed on the furniture".
« Last Edit: January 01, 1970, 01:00:00 AM by Guest »

Dillingerentertains

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Re: ALL PUNS INTENDED....
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2009, 07:34:30 PM »
(The man replies "I'm not allowed on the furniture")

the doctor asks him how long has he been feeling like that & the man reply's since i was a puppy
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Professor T Wist

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Re: ALL PUNS INTENDED....
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2009, 12:39:48 PM »
Dillinger I am guessing you are a fan of the late Great Tommy Cooper with wit like that so here are some more in that vein that can be used or adapted  :D


 Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."  
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "  "No, because he's really heavy

 "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."  "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

 Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


 So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

 So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
 He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

 So I rang up a local building firm,  I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.  Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he  said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted  again.'
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said  'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

 Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
 I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

 So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
 I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other  "Does this taste funny to you?"

 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,  and   the  other was eating fireworks.
 They charged one and let the other one off.

 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
 They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So  that was nice."

 A man walked into the doctors,
 The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "  The man replied "I know I've been ill"

 A man walked into the doctors,  he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"  The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

 I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.  He wasn't very happy.

 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I  couldn't find any.

 I bought some HP sauce the other day.  It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

 Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


 Phone answering machine message -
 "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."


 I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
 He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  A strong currant pulled him in.

 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.  They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered  with hundreds and thousands.
 Police say that he topped himself.

 Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
 The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
« Last Edit: January 01, 1970, 01:00:00 AM by Guest »